Whenever I take my foot off the brake, the lights stay on. When I press the brake the lights will either stay on or go out. What the hell is wrong with my car??

Your brake light switch is probably bad. You can get under there with a meter or test light and check it, if it's bad a new one can be had from the dealer or parts store and should be fairly cheap.
There may also be an adjustment for the switch position that needs to be done.

Hmm, my shift lock disengages too. Do they both run off the same switch?