White smoke is condensation/coolant leak.
Blue is oil.
Black is magical unicorns.
OP, smell the exhaust. Don't inhale it, woft it. I know you claim you're not an idiot, but your comments don't help you out. AKA, no need to be a jack ass for no reason, because everything you described is condensation. At no point do you give info saying otherwise, so if you're not dumb, you wouldn't need this thread.