I can only imagine how that conversation went...
Him: Well ma'am, at thispoint you are eligable for $4,200 worth of relief aid.
Her: That's wonderful... thank you so much!
Him: Of course, it will take five weeks
Her: Oh my. That's terrible.
Him: But there is a program you can sign up for that will increase your aid to $6,500 and you can get the money next week.
Her: Really? What's the program called?
Him: It's called the "Advanced Relief Through Sucking My D***" program.