Well, are you ready for this?
The car starts. It idles. It drives.
The problem? After almost 2 hours on the phone with Hydra EMS USA, it was found that almost every single trigger and output was completely wrong for a Subaru (these are locked by the tuner, and Hydra EMS USA unlocked everything for me with a password to check on this).
Once fixed, the car started right up and idled.