Thinly Veiled Threats From My "Boss"

[G Langa]

We currently have no official branch manager for our office but a local manager volunteered to be ours until a replacement can be found. He stops by maybe once every two weeks and tries to micro-manage us, sends us motivational quotes of the day related to banking (I have about 50 saved emails of this crap), and tries to pit our branches against each other in terms of goals and performance.

Each month these useless biased reports come out rating each branch on our service. The only thing we score terrible on is cross selling products because our rates are crap and I am embarassed to quote them to customers. In all other areas we destroy his branch.

He also wants me to design a dog bone themed award for the winners of these customer satisfaction surveys since one of his prized employees thought of this little doozy of a quote....

Are you a Cat or a Dog? when you have a visitor or friend come to see you, how do you greet them?
Cat: Whatever...just don't disturb me
Dog: Oh Boy! Wow! You are here! My long lost friend! My tail is about to fall off from wagging!

This is the email he sent us today. I ran the reports and our branch actually did better than his but he still proceeds to send this crap...

I want each of you to access prime performance reports for your office and our region in every category. I want each of you to email no later than next Friday with your response/reaction to the reports. I want suggestions from each of you as well as to what you personally can do to get our teams top the next level included in that report as well.
If you do not know how to access these reports, ask someone who knows.

Failure to respond by 5PM next Friday will result in additional direct action by me.

1)Anyone have any dog bone themed awards?
2)How can I respond to that vague threat of an email he sent?

I'd like some smartassedness included in both which is why I came to OT.

* Registered users of the site do not see these ads.

[zombiekiller]

ibgifofdoghumpingsomething/someone.

[ItalianGuy]

Originally Posted by G Langa

I'd like some smartassedness included in both which is why I came to OT.

Just for that every reply from here on out will be serious business.

































**** his wife. That'll teach him.

[Drink]

Just tell him you are Michael Vick.

[Blinden]

be thankful you have a job and do what your damn boss tells you to do.

[wrxanakin]

Nuke every branch from orbit. Your branch will be the only one left, thus, making you #1.

[TFW]

I want suggestions from each of you as well as to what you personally can do to get our teams top the next level included in that report as well.

= I bit off more than I can chew, I'm sinking here and I need other people's ideas in order to do my 'job'.

[Kiel]

Originally Posted by ItalianGuy

**** his wife. That'll teach him.

**** his dad.

[chicken n waffles]

**** his wife with his dad's cut-off dick.

[burnera]

I think i would have stabbed him already.

[mbpWRX]

That threat was not "thinly veiled". Oh and **** his wife.

[Jessie James]

MS paint him something kinda crappy. I mean, you're a financial guy and he wants you to magically become a graphics artist?

Otherwise, suck it up and email him back some BS. That does not look hard.

[Jessie James]

It also seems like the email "threat" really means "I am sick and tired of only 3 people replying, so anyone who does not reply this time will be in trouble. Why can't you idiots do your job?"

I doubt he is singling you out.

[Georgethefierce]

I saw a turkey chase a squirrel today.

[lambtor]

yo dawg we heard you like dog bones so we put a dog bone in your award


yada yada yada

[G Langa]

Not asking anyone to do my job. We survived very well before he came along and the customer surveys are always so off the wall. We can do phenomenal one month and then you'd think we'd pistol whip our customers as they walk in the branch other months.

Here is some of his wonderous quotes....

Never be afraid to get moving on a project because it is not in your comfort zone. Do not fear failure. Use it to your advantage. Of course there is no replacement for training. But do not fear mistakes - there are very few on this earth that a: can not be fixed and b: that you can not learn from!

You may need to read this more than once...this made me think of our Star Performance Ratings...I know we are better than our scores. so what do we do? We do our best every day with every interaction. This includes our coworkers...we need to encourage each other with every interaction. We will have moments when we need to challenge each other of course, but not to hurt each other - to help!

What motivates you every day? Why are you here reading emails? Are you just here for the paycheck? The benefits? Do you feel trapped here by the economy? If this is the case, then more than likely you are not satisfied at the end of the day…

Do not let your fear of failure keep you from working towards whatever goal you have for the day. Let's work toward a strong finish for 2009!

Here is what I learned. Do not put off doing the right thing. It may cost you more later if you do. How many customers have you profiled but put off doing the right thing for them. Then some of them come in after the offer is over or when the rates dropped one more time.

[ekw]

Originally Posted by wrxanakin

Nuke every OTHER branch from orbit. Your branch will be the only one left, thus, making you #1.

fixed.
sheeesh!
do I have to do everything around here?

[JjSwee]

He has no idea what to do to get numbers higher, so he wants everyone else to do his job? Great boss.

Hint at needing better, more efficient management, or give thoughts on non-useful parts of the report, like the formatting, or the ease of accessing the reports, etc. Basically, stuff he doesn't want to hear about. Make it really really long to read too.

Whatever you reply with, include a lot of words from a thesaurus that no one really understands what they mean. Either he will take an hour to look them all up, or he will give up reading it.

[G Langa]

Originally Posted by JjSwee

He has no idea what to do to get numbers higher, so he wants everyone else to do his job? Great boss.

Hint at needing better, more efficient management, or give thoughts on non-useful parts of the report, like the formatting, or the ease of accessing the reports, etc. Basically, stuff he doesn't want to hear about. Make it really really long to read too.

Whatever you reply with, include a lot of words from a thesaurus that no one really understands what they mean. Either he will take an hour to look them all up, or he will give up reading it.

Nice. Good idea.



Something about "The Puppy Who Lost His Way" in relation to Business Ethics is coming to mind.......

[beethoven]

Suggestion: Fill out fraudulent customer surveys for other branches giving them bad scores.

[YourMother'sLover]

Just get a picture of some red lipstick and say: "Hey ****hole....he's your damn dogs bone!"

[hikeeba]

Perhaps everything you do at/for work should be dog-related.

[Malachoz]

**** his daughter in the *** with his dads ****

[delongedoug]

[zombiekiller]

Originally Posted by hikeeba

Perhaps everything you do at/for work should be dog-related.

sweet wonky-eyed rogue dog!