My dad is making me confront my sister

[sonicblue]

Background: I've made several threads about the escapades with my sister. I think she's bipolar, a lot of people have told me stuff that fits, but I no longer care. She's vindictive and and unpredictable, bottom line. We severed ties nearly three years ago now, and it eventually included her cutting out my mom, too. My parents are divorced, my extended family is all split up, so it's not like it's been a real factor, but occasionally the sides have to be 'kept apart.' Any time there's had to be interaction (e.g., we've seen her at a wedding and also at a funeral), she seems to make some kind of scene, either outward or passive-aggressive.

We made plans to go to my dad's for Thanksgiving. Against my better judgment, I had to broach the topic with my stepmom that, if my sister was going to be there, it was just going to be dealbreaker. I think it touched off a chain reaction. My dad just sent me an email, about how he's been to two friend's memorial services, etc..., and he's essentially ordering us to resolve this thing. I understand where's he coming from, but I don't think that makes it the right call. I know there are some people on her with real experience with these kinds of personalities and am interested to hear those, and others', thoughts.

Honestly, I am just really, really angry at her, like rage-angry, like most times I imagine being face to face with her, it ends up with me holding in the air by the neck, like I suddenly realize I'm gritting my teeth thinking about it. But, my dad basically said, if I tell him I won't do it, he'll consider it a 'personal affront.' Rock -- sonicblue -- hard place.

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[Whitford]

**** man, that sounds tough, sorry to hear. I wish I had some good advice for you but I've never had to deal with a situation like that within the family.

Best of luck.

[RastaMon]

tittywop

[gramicci101]

He doesn't get to dictate who you get along with. Maybe it's worth a shot for family unity, etc... but if you view it as a deal breaker and opt out of the dinner because of that, he's SOL. Just be courteous about backing out of the dinner.

[saint_foo]

What if you were to drink like a fish and try to be nice as long as you could hold out?

[StriderTB]

I'm skipping out on my Mom's for Thanksgiving because my Uncle is a douchebag.

Being 29, married, and a homeowner, no one can tell me who to have relatinoships with, or who to reconcile with. Call him on his demand and tell him you'll see him some other time.

[Poekin]

If it were me, I would go to the dinner for my dad. I would also do my best to ignore her while being polite.

Every situation is different, but I have no problem ignoring people that i dislike.

[FightingFalcon]

Wapce

[haloseven]

so if you tell him no, he's taking her side? so be it. your mom is on your side by default. he will figure out shes a big bag of ****ing crazy and eventually talk to you again. Its his fault she's alive anyways, right?

[sorbee711]

Here is the problem with "working it out", one party either thinks there is no problem or that she has no hand in the problem, and thus you can't really work it out.

I'd express my regrets to my dad, explain that there is an inability for your sister to deal with the situation in a realistic way, and that because of that, you will have to make alternate arrangements for Thanksgiving. And I would see if it would be possible to hook up on Friday or something when she might not be around.

[Asinine]

IDP then DTB

[StriderTB]

Originally Posted by Asinine

IDP then DTB

[Wagon Of Fury]

Originally Posted by gramicci101

He doesn't get to dictate who you get along with. Maybe it's worth a shot for family unity, etc... but if you view it as a deal breaker and opt out of the dinner because of that, he's SOL. Just be courteous about backing out of the dinner.

Yep. Annnd not to dump all over a situation I don't know all the details of, but isn't what he's asking sort of *his* responsibility ? You know, as a "father" ? Granted, maybe its his hands-off passive style that allowed this situation to develop in the first place.


Wagon of Fury is a licensed Internet Armchair Psychologist and you should listen to him at all times

[BGPunk2001]

Only then will you be a true Jedi.

[sasiki]

I don't understand where you are coming from but I would suggest going to the Thanksgiving dinner not only for your dad but for your sister. Families are supposed to act civil towards one another.

[gramicci101]

Originally Posted by BGPunk2001

Only then will you be a true Jedi.

He said make UP with his sister, not make OUT with her.

[MacintoshMan]

OP, I feel you. My S.O sister is madly bipolar and her life is literally revolves around making others lifes worse. I've had many discussions with the sister about her juvenile behavior and she responds like a child. Goodluck op, I know you're gonna need it.

[BGPunk2001]

Originally Posted by gramicci101

He said make UP with his sister, not make OUT with her.

Read the title of this thread, then read my post, then respond to me.

[WRXVT]

would you care if your sister died tomorrow? If so, then you need to do something about this anger and make it to thanksgiving. If not, then you need to decide whether or not this is worth pissing of your dad (and it sounds to me like you should try to maintain any ties to family that aren't yet at risk).

[sonicblue]

I don't think this is about her actually being there for Thanksgiving, so I still plan to go. I think the 'holidays' and these memorials spurred it.

He subjects the email with "Honor Thy Father," sort of a dramatic lead-in. So I told him two things:

1) Any 'reconciliation' will involve my mother. She was mean to me, so be it. What she said to her own mother was despicable, so if we're 'honoring' parents, it will be both.

2) I reiterated that I apologized to my sister long ago, though I'm sure she forgot. Since then, I've only deflected her rage and half-assed attempts to either brush this all aside or get me to apologize again. She never once apologized, unless it had disclaimers or misdirections. If we do this, I have a laundry list of actions and words that she WILL answer to, nothing is simply getting swept under a rug.

In the end, the most I see coming out of this is, I'll be in a room with her, with lots of other people, for an occasion or two a year. She will not get invited to my house, she will never be left alone with my kids. She will be their 'distant aunt' at best, and as much of a non-factor for me as I can manage. She wants to genuinely apologize, fine, we can actually say it's 'put to rest,' fine. It all comes down to, though, that I just have no interest in an active relationship with her.

[Gfunk720]

I feel you man.

I have a 19 year old younger brother, and our relationship is similar. He and I don't talk anymore, and haven't for almost a year now. He is a druggie, and is failing out of college, and my parents don't really do much about it. I have been vocal about my disapproval, but it really isn't my place to step in.

I have attempted to resolve our conflict on several occassions, and he was not at all receptive. If your sister is a biatch, and doesn't want to resolve anything, what can you do.

I guess for your Dad's sake, give it a try. However, don't feel obligated to go too far or compromise your opinions or feelings.

[StriderTB]

Originally Posted by sasiki

I don't understand where you are coming from but I would suggest going to the Thanksgiving dinner not only for your dad but for your sister. Families are supposed to act civil towards one another.

Exactly, but she should've been sane and not caused the problem in the first place.

Family is not an excuse to treat each other like crap and get away with it.

[CrashTestRacer]

I have a very similar sister, it seems.

I think it is up to you if you want to see her or not. People like to go on about family bonds and what not. Fact of life is that sometimes people don't get a long and it's better to just not know each-other. That's where I am at, anyway. It really is a relief once you realize that - if not, and you still feel tension, then maybe there's something you can still resolve...

[rexspeedworthy]

Yore sister is winning if she decides who you hang with in the family. Just ignore her, if you can't you may be as bad as her, just different.

Just remember, the world is bi-polar too.

[StriderTB]

Originally Posted by sonicblue

I don't think this is about her actually being there for Thanksgiving, so I still plan to go. I think the 'holidays' and these memorials spurred it.

He subjects the email with "Honor Thy Father," sort of a dramatic lead-in. So I told him two things:

1) Any 'reconciliation' will involve my mother. She was mean to me, so be it. What she said to her own mother was despicable, so if we're 'honoring' parents, it will be both.

2) I reiterated that I apologized to my sister long ago, though I'm sure she forgot. Since then, I've only deflected her rage and half-assed attempts to either brush this all aside or get me to apologize again. She never once apologized, unless it had disclaimers or misdirections. If we do this, I have a laundry list of actions and words that she WILL answer to, nothing is simply getting swept under a rug.

In the end, the most I see coming out of this is, I'll be in a room with her, with lots of other people, for an occasion or two a year. She will not get invited to my house, she will never be left alone with my kids. She will be their 'distant aunt' at best, and as much of a non-factor for me as I can manage. She wants to genuinely apologize, fine, we can actually say it's 'put to rest,' fine. It all comes down to, though, that I just have no interest in an active relationship with her.

Holy ****ing dramaqueen, Dad.

If I got that email with that title in my inbox, I'd tell him to kindly **** off and forget where I lived.