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Old 03-26-2013, 05:34 PM   #76
somebody else
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sorbee711 View Post
My last job we basically never interacted with customers so everyone wore whatever the hell they wanted. So one day I'm talking to another developer and my co-worker comes in dressed nicely, she had put on makeup, etc. So my co-worker says to her as she passes us: "So interview or date?" and she replies "Funeral. For my aunt." She stared at us for a few awkward moments before continuing on.
That's BS on her part. You had no way of being sensitive to slut aunt's death. It was wrong of her to make you feel embarrassed and she should feel bad about herself.
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Old 03-26-2013, 05:38 PM   #77
2-imprez-u
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When I was 8 I decided it was a good idea to suck on a river rock like it was candy. I accidently swallowed it (it nearly got stuck going down) and I was dragged to the doctor where my grandmother was informed she would have to inspect and pick through my poop every day to be sure I passed the rock... yea.
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Old 03-26-2013, 05:39 PM   #78
somebody else
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Originally Posted by EricScott View Post
When I was 18, a friend of mine was getting married. He asked me to be his best man. The wedding was fine and then it came time for the best man's speech. I got up and completely froze. I couldn't get a word out. Thankfully, the bride's brother got up and took the microphone from me and starting giving a toast to the newlyweds. I still don't like talking in front of crowds.
You do NOT have upper management written anywhere on you.

At all.

Now get back to work.
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Old 03-26-2013, 05:39 PM   #79
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Originally Posted by Poor-AssRacing View Post
In 6th grade science class, we were learning about the various systems of the body. The class had to break up into teams, one for each system of the body (so, like teams of 5 or so). We were cardiovascular or something. Each team's task was to create diagrams of their system, then come up with a list of words/terms that were relevant to the system and hand them out to the class. The class would then ask questions of the team for terms they didn't know.

So, the reproductive system team gets up in front of the class. Since we were in 6th grade, they were noticeably uncomfortable sitting in front of the entire class with pictures of dicks and vags behind them. I tried to be the nice guy and get the conversation flowing....uhh, no pun intended.

(Here's where I explain that I lived a sheltered life growing up. My parents never really had "the talk" with me, and instead got me books to explain stuff since I was an avid reader. I learned everything I knew about sex from friends, adolescent non-fiction books, my dad's hidden Playboys, and scrambled Skinemax).

So, I raise my hand and ask what "masturbate" means. A shower of giggles around me, and looks of extreme embarassment from the team at the front of the class. Flustered, I blurt out "oh, sorry, I meant the one below that!". It was "masturbation". So I sit there in red-faced silence as some 6th grade girl explains to me that "masturbation" is that thing I do with the jar of vaseline at night under the covers.



That moment was the explicit reason why I never ****ing spoke up again in any class, ever.
Having fapped many times throughout my life I have come to a conclusion that masturbation, also known as fapping is more than just a means of self pleasurment, but it is also a form of art. We begin with the idea of fapping. Some may look at it as a taboo, but to us who do fap it is looked at as very normal. The excitement of sex is not always there, thus we must be able to provide ourselves with the joy that sex brings. This is where it turns into something looked down upon, the thought of someone providing themself with sexual touch and feeling is seen as a sin and often overlooked for what it really is.

Now we look into the process. There are many different variations of fapping. Some may give off more pleasure than others and some may be faster. Left hand, right hand, fleshlight, cucumber, two fingers or three these different forms of fapping are an art form that should be looked into. Study the movement of the hand and look at it. It is as though you were climbing a pole or choking a snake. Not only is the way we fap an art form, but look at what we are fapping to. Many of us use porn as a way to arouse ourselves and that is an art form in itself. Notice the porn you are fapping to, what makes that better than all the other pornos that are featured? You chose that one for a reason.

Others may use their own mind, thinking about someone special or the best sex they ever had. Remember the mind is a very powerful thing and you can control whatever goes through it, maybe you are thinking of a porn star, a coworker, someone’s mom, a friends? Whatever it may be, you have the power to control who it is and this power is what makes fapping to the imagination more special than whatever a computer can show you.

Now we move on to the climax. The feeling of stimulation is overpowering and you cannot hold on any longer. Then you finally let go, it is in this moment that you feel alone and helpless. You feel as though what you have just done was wrong and are ashamed of yourself. Do not worry; what you have just realized is what you really want and what you really need. You long for something more, something that can give you pleasure and excitement, something deeper than what your mind can think of. You have not only released liquid, but you have released true feelings. Feelings that need to be understood and I my friend understand them.

So continue to fap. It is not wrong, but remember while you are in the act, that it is all an art form and must be looked at deeper than what we make it out to be.

Thank you for reading.
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Old 03-26-2013, 05:44 PM   #80
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Jesus Christ.
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Old 03-26-2013, 05:46 PM   #81
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On a more recent note, at the dentist office earlier today I accidentally crop-dusted the waiting room when I stood up to go back for my cleaning.

When I was leaving there was one guy still there from earlier.

Yeah. He glared.
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Old 03-26-2013, 05:47 PM   #82
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Jesus Christ.
I'm stealing that image!

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Old 03-26-2013, 05:51 PM   #83
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Jesus Christ.
Nice Ninja edit, really your own step aunts panties?
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Old 03-26-2013, 05:53 PM   #84
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Nice Ninja edit, really your own step aunts panties?
It was a joke, and I had second thoughts about the reactions it'd get. New story below:

Ok I remember a good one. So me and a friend of mine like to mess with each other in public. Anyways, the new game we had come up with that he liked to play is that he would wait until you went to the bathroom for a #2, and he would sit in the stall next to you and whisper extrememly homoerotic statements and eventually grab your ankle under the stall.

Anywho, we're out at Yardhouse and we're all pretty toasted, and I had to go to the bathroom. So I walk in, close the door, and proceed. I notice guy sits down to the stall next to me with the same shoes my friend had on. So I start whispering the creepiest **** I could think of. I mean, just plain vile. Then I let out a really high pitch scream and grab his ankle, and a very strange voice said, "Seriously, what the **** man?!". It was not my friend.

I proceeded to get the look from that table the rest of the night.
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Old 03-26-2013, 06:09 PM   #85
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Holy ****! I've never read anything that funny in my entire life.
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Old 03-26-2013, 06:10 PM   #86
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That's a good one, Twertee!
_______

So we were at a business lunch one time and it just so happens that one of they guys in our group -- his wife was in the same restaurant with some of her girlfriends and a platoon of children. As is their wont the kids are whooping it up, making a general ruckus.

My friend turns to his wife several tables away and says over the general din, "Lady, can't you control those children a little better?!! "

You could-a heard a pin drop!

His wife was suppressing her laughter but other moms in the restaurant were livid -- filled with blood lust! "He has NO IDEA how difficult it is taking care of little children!!" "The nerve of him!!!" and so on. One even got up and walked over to our table and started delivering him a ration of ****.

He just looked at her with a blank face and said softly, "That's my wife and those are my children."

"Oh! Well that's different."
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Old 03-26-2013, 06:12 PM   #87
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tweeter View Post
Ok I remember a good one. So me and a friend of mine like to mess with each other in public. Anyways, the new game we had come up with that he liked to play is that he would wait until you went to the bathroom for a #2, and he would sit in the stall next to you and whisper extrememly homoerotic statements and eventually grab your ankle under the stall.

Anywho, we're out at Yardhouse and we're all pretty toasted, and I had to go to the bathroom. So I walk in, close the door, and proceed. I notice guy sits down to the stall next to me with the same shoes my friend had on. So I start whispering the creepiest **** I could think of. I mean, just plain vile. Then I let out a really high pitch scream and grab his ankle, and a very strange voice said, "Seriously, what the **** man?!". It was not my friend.

I proceeded to get the look from that table the rest of the night.

WINNER.
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Old 03-26-2013, 08:53 PM   #88
ClassicPurcell
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I knocked over a Porta-Potty when I was 14.
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Old 03-26-2013, 09:03 PM   #89
Tkacik
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In high school I ran my first 10k. I was first in my age class until... I stopped about 50 yards from the finish line and puked like I had never puked before. So. Much. Vomit. I distinctly remember hearing people cheering me on, and then... so quiet I could hear each convulsion splashing on the pavement.

I finished, crossed the line and came in third. Watching the runners behind me dodge my pile of vomit was horrifying and amusing at the same time.

Some old guy after the race patted me on the back and said it happens to runners at least once in their life, but I think he was just trying to make me feel better.
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:56 PM   #90
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Originally Posted by Tkacik View Post
In high school I ran my first 10k. I was first in my age class until... I stopped about 50 yards from the finish line and puked like I had never puked before. So. Much. Vomit. I distinctly remember hearing people cheering me on, and then... so quiet I could hear each convulsion splashing on the pavement.

I finished, crossed the line and came in third. Watching the runners behind me dodge my pile of vomit was horrifying and amusing at the same time.

Some old guy after the race patted me on the back and said it happens to runners at least once in their life, but I think he was just trying to make me feel better.
Saying your nasioc name out loud kinda sounds like throwing up noises.
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Old 03-27-2013, 01:00 AM   #91
im2ninja4u
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Literally took a **** on myself . I was in elementary school waiting to be picked up by my dad and had left the campus already but couldn't go back in to use the bathroom because the security guard was a power trippin douchebag.
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Old 03-27-2013, 01:16 AM   #92
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I had a good one from this past new years. Went to a friends for late dinner and light drinking. Get to a lounge that our friend owns around 2am. My friend and I plus some other people we knew ran through 4 bottles of vodka by 7am. My friends younger brother was working coat check so he drove a few of us back to my friends place after we picked up burger king.

We get back and we all head inside and I realized I forgot my breakfast. Grab the bag from the car, go to walk around the front of the car, slipped on some ice and catch the bridge of my nose and 4" across my forehead on a piece of chain link fence. It was pouring blood instantly. Walked to the door and asked for a towel. I ruined the after party. Both scars are still clearly visible 4 months later I still get asked what happened. Stitches should have been mandatory
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Old 03-27-2013, 01:18 AM   #93
upnygimp
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When I was in Kindergarten I peed my pants. We had bathrooms in our classrooms so we wouldn't have to wander the halls. I was waiting for the bathroom (the light was on) when I just couldn't hold it anymore and my bladder let loose. The teacher told me that I should have asked to use another bathroom if I had to go that bad, I didn't know that was an option! So she took me to the nurse who fixed me up with a dry pair of jeans and I went on my way.

Oh, I forgot to mention- the bathroom was empty, the person who used it before me forgot to turn it off.
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Old 03-27-2013, 02:42 AM   #94
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In my early fapping days, I'd just bust on my rug or this really soft bed spread I had. One day my mom comes in to wash my sheets. She sees all these stains on the bed spread and asks me what they are. I looked at them, seeing the dried white crust, and told her I spilled milk while eating cereal on my bed one day. Yeah. She soooo believed that.

Back in the late 90s I wanted a new car. I went to the dealership and made the deal. I could pick it up the following day. So I drove the car I was going to trade in very carefully home ... except for the fact I crapped my pants five minutes from my apartment. Thankfully there was no seepage, and Febreze had been invented by that time.
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:01 AM   #95
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When I was in kindergarden I lived in Alaska where my parents were stationed on an Air Force base. I had to walk to school every morning. It's about a 3/4 mile walk. One morning my mom got me all ready in my one piece snow suit and sent me on my way. I get half way there and I have to pee. BAD! I walk as fast as I can, but I'm not going to make it. It's starts to leak and I just accepted it and let it flow. Got to school and told everybody I fell in the snow. The kids I'm sure bought this lie, but I doubt the teacher did. None the less she never said anything. I went the rest of the day in my pee pants. Itching...
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