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Old 06-01-2006, 03:59 PM   #1
Asinine
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Join Date: Feb 2004
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Location: I beat up big rocks
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with paddles.

Exclamation Pooping is not supposed to be an aerobic exercise

The Problem:
If you start breathing heavy when you take a dump, it means one or more of the following:

1. You're really out of shape.
2. Your diet needs more fiber and less fat.
3. You're getting a blumpkin.
4. You're having a heart attack.
5. You ate a habenero pepper in the last 36 hours.

What Does This Mean To Me?
1. Bad
2. Bad
3. Good... and bad.
4. Bad.
5. Bad.

What To Do?
1. Look down. Is there someone performing fellatio on you? If so, this is a temporary condition that will pass in time. Continue to deficate, and when the time is right, ejaculate.

2. If you are not being fellated, notice if there is a tingly sensation in your left arm, light headedness, tightness in the chest, blurred vision. If so, you may be having a midocardial infartion, the medical term for having a heart attack on the can. Call 911. And wipe. No, wipe and THEN call 911.

3. Taste your fecal matter. Does it taste like a Taco Bell Seven Layer Burrito? If so, you likely ate a habanero or similar pepper recently. Use wet toilet paper to sooth your puckered anus between squirts and try to take your mind off of the pain with a copy of Maxim or, if possible, a blumpkin.

4. If none of the above, then you may fall into the first two categories--as these are closely related. Try getting your ass out for some exercise. And when you're done, eat a salad with some grilled chicken (dressing on the side) instead of a Big Mac and a 20 piece McNuggets. Congrats, now you're deficating like a pro! Treat yourself to a 4 piece McNuggets and a blumpkin!

FIN
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:00 PM   #2
Starscream
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spilled milk!
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:02 PM   #3
skimmilk68
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somebody call me?
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:04 PM   #4
Hailwood
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I'm pretty sure Sammualleeogden is the only person to have actually receieved a blumpkin, but it's probably good to have it in just to be on the safe side.
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:11 PM   #5
Asinine
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The guy two stalls down was having a helluva time pinching one off, whereas I was in a transcendental state of meta-awareness.
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:12 PM   #6
vapore0n
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so midocardial infartion is also when you spank the monkey and get blured or loss of vision and feel light headed but with a smile?
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:13 PM   #7
edkwon
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It was clearly more than his poor ol heart could handle




Ed
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:13 PM   #8
ZMANNH25rs
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anyone else think Asinine has a bathroom/fecal fetish...sure does like to talk about it in detail...
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:24 PM   #9
Porsche914boxer4
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subscribed
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:35 PM   #10
Hailwood
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZMANNH25rs
anyone else think Asinine has a bathroom/fecal fetish...sure does like to talk about it in detail...
Hey, if you couldn't get your wife to give you a blumpkin, you'd probably be pretty frustrated too.
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:36 PM   #11
Asinine
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No thank you! When I poop, I want to believe I'm the only person on earth.

That's why I like those bathrooms where the toilet is sequestered in its own little room.
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Old 06-01-2006, 05:02 PM   #12
Samuelleeogden
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i plead the 3rd?

asinine... i'll hook you up. *whips out cellphone*
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Old 06-01-2006, 05:04 PM   #13
Janq
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hailwood
I'm pretty sure Sammualleeogden is the only person to have actually receieved a blumpkin, but it's probably good to have it in just to be on the safe side.
Whats the reverse of a Blumpkin when you're getting blown while standing and she's sitting on the pot and doing double time?
I've been party to one of those but have no idea what the 'name' might be.

- Janq
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Old 06-01-2006, 05:05 PM   #14
ZMANNH25rs
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. Truth is a
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janq
Whats the reverse of a Blumpkin when you're getting blown while standing and she's sitting on the pot and doing double time?
I've been party to one of those but have no idea what the 'name' might be.

- Janq
HAWT !
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Old 06-01-2006, 05:07 PM   #15
ZMANNH25rs
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. Truth is a
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janq
Whats the reverse of a Blumpkin when you're getting blown while standing and she's sitting on the pot and doing double time?
I've been party to one of those but have no idea what the 'name' might be.

- Janq

some NWS language:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/defin...verse+blumpkin

but it seems reverse blumpkin is the only term available...I think OT can come up with something better...
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Old 06-01-2006, 05:08 PM   #16
Samuelleeogden
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janq... it's called *the acme conveyor belt*

cause it looks like she's processing your sausage into poo in realtime.

for the full effect you have to hum the ACME duh-di-na ba-da-na-na-da-na dum-dump-dum doo dah-da. song.
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Old 06-01-2006, 05:14 PM   #17
Hailwood
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samuelleeogden
janq... it's called *the acme conveyor belt*

cause it looks like she's processing your sausage into poo in realtime.

for the full effect you have to hum the ACME duh-di-na ba-da-na-na-da-na dum-dump-dum doo dah-da. song.


Sam wins the internet.
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Old 06-01-2006, 05:22 PM   #18
ZMANNH25rs
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hailwood


Sam wins the internet.

agreed...
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