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Old 12-26-2001, 09:13 AM   #1
WRC 3X1
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Default There Can Be Only One... (M&M)

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars,
Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading,
"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we
will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.
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Old 12-26-2001, 09:39 AM   #2
johnfelstead
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Old 12-26-2001, 10:13 AM   #3
KC
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My coworkers are wondering why I have tears in my eyes....

That's freaking hilarious!

--kC
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Old 12-26-2001, 10:22 AM   #4
chkltcow
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You are one truly sick and deranged individual!




keep up the good work!
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Old 12-26-2001, 10:26 AM   #5
Snoopy
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I'm gonna sculpture an M&M out of marble and send it to you. A Blue one.
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Old 12-26-2001, 10:35 AM   #6
The Enemy
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You need your own website. I checked for you and found that strongmandm.com and strongestmandm.net are both available!
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Old 12-26-2001, 11:23 AM   #7
Skyline
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Hahahah... dude, this should be an instant classic! Thanks for brightening my day!

/mel
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Old 12-26-2001, 11:30 AM   #8
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So, I'm trying this right now as I sit here bored at work. Anyway, what happens if they both crack? Also, this doesn't seem too scientific, as the "winner" of each duel is subjected to more punishment than the others. Therefore, each time I try, the previous round's "winner" cracks first. Interesting. Therefore, it would stand to reason that whichever M&M is chosen last will invariably be the strongest M&M.
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Old 12-26-2001, 11:33 AM   #9
IggDawg
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In my opinion, if they both crack they are both genetically inferior and should both be consumed.

-IggDawg
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Old 12-26-2001, 01:27 PM   #10
Lifino
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Drac9 has identified a flaw in the screening process.

Perhaps you should eat the loser, and set aside the winner of each round. Then randomly select another pair of competitors. Then you move on and select another pair at random from the winners of the first serries... Eventualy you will be down to the Semi-Finals, and then the Finals.

The plus is the winners all get a chance to rest and regroup after each battle.

-Silas
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Old 12-26-2001, 01:43 PM   #11
Keith
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BAHAHAHHA!! that was good!!!
great job man
ehhe
keith
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Old 12-26-2001, 03:48 PM   #12
bikegod
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Thumbs up

brilliant - if not a frighteningly great way to eat candy.....

p.s. are there drugs involved here?
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Old 12-26-2001, 04:43 PM   #13
M
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this has i-c;ub hall of fame written all over it.

I too noticed the flaw in the competition but far be it from me to argue with the leading scienetist in the field.
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Old 12-26-2001, 07:18 PM   #14
Cthulhu
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OMG! I do the same thing... I'm totally serious! That is some funny shiit. I don't send them in or anything, but I do have the duels. I thought I was the only one.

Bill
NSG Racing
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Old 12-26-2001, 08:28 PM   #15
WRC 3X1
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Default I didn't explain fully...

The winners don't immediately go again, they are put down to move on to the next round.

If they both crack, I eat them both, and two fresh Hardshell Gladiators step into the press.

I have spoken to a few fellow M&M Masters, and they state that they, by far, have the best and toughest of the Hardshell Gladiators in the land. To put this to an end, I have written to the Lords and Ladies from the Land on M&M Mars. I hope to soon here of a sponsored Gladitorial tournament. As soon as I receive word, I will be sure to spread it throughout the land.
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Old 12-26-2001, 08:54 PM   #16
M
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how will you hold this "tournament" who will administer the "contests of hardness"?
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Old 12-26-2001, 10:58 PM   #17
Reciprocity
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Question But....

What about the peanut M&Ms???

NC

PS: If you are serious, I shall include you in my Pantheon of God-like people.
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Old 12-27-2001, 12:22 AM   #18
STi Boy
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bwuahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
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Old 12-27-2001, 12:23 AM   #19
ChosenWon
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I'm gonna, paint a ball bearing (blue,....hehehehe) and then enter the tourney.
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Old 12-27-2001, 01:32 AM   #20
Zahnster
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Peanut M&Ms are like entering a tank into a tournament of human gladiators. Unless you hands are as big as the guy who designed the XBOX controllers, your fingers will give before the M&M will.
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Old 12-27-2001, 11:00 AM   #21
WRC 3X1
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Default Can it be true?

Alas...

a tired sentry returned to his duties today. He had taken a leave to celebrate "Commerce Days", I expect his absence each time this year.

Upon his return to his squared labor domicile, he told me tales of a Tournament of our kind. He says that the race of the Gladiator in the land he frequents are "Skittles". From his description, they are plentiful, with Clans representing nearly all the colors of the rainbow, and the taste of the losers in battle is said to be of any taste imaginable.

I have sent a small detachment to investigate these reports. Any information that you, my fellows, may have on this tale would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 12-27-2001, 01:13 PM   #22
Wrecked WRX
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Yes, with my own eyes have I seen the teeming hordes from the land of Skittles. They cavort in the sunlight worshipping their fruity gods, painting themselves into a prismatic display of pagan rites and paying no heed to the One, True, Cocoa Bean. Their fierce pride in the vibrancy of their color leads to numerous squabbles and results in very hardy warriors, indeed. But, these are not our enemy. We do not place the value they do on outward appearances, but look inside ourselves. For the source of our pride is the creamy, chocolaty, goodness these crude shells are intended to protect. So long as we do not imagine that our shells are more gaily colored than theirs, peace will exist between us.

However, to the wintery north lies a desolate wasteland known as Tootsie Roll populated by a tribe called Junior Mints. The inhabitants of this land wear no shells and display a healthy coating of chocolate, but inside their frosty cores is a heart so minty and cold that death frightens them not. Indeed, they attack their enemies with suicidal ferocity, hoping to disgorge their innards upon their foes and allowing the sticky residue to slowly erode the strength and integrity of the hapless victim, while attracting vermin with the sickly sweet smell of their dead and lifeless remains.

Perhaps by allying ourselves with the pygmy tribe of Sixlets from the land of Hershey we can defeat these barbarians without turning to the polytheistic Skittles for assistance. Using the Sixlets as a living shield we can penetrate deep within the frozen tundra the Junior Mints occupy; forever eradicating the threat from the north.
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Old 12-27-2001, 01:43 PM   #23
Reciprocity
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Wrecked...I'm at a loss for words. That was AMAZING!

This thread is going to be famous, mark my words.

Beware the Milk Duds!

NC
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Old 12-27-2001, 02:03 PM   #24
majglow
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The tournament is going on right now in my cubicle at work.

As of now, I have 3 brown M&Ms and 1 Yellow M&M that have passed first round.

We shall see who will last.

carl
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Old 12-27-2001, 02:06 PM   #25
majglow
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Damn, now my hands are getting all sticky!

Well, it's all for the greater good, a race of super M&Ms...
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