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Old 03-12-2001, 08:30 PM   #1
motorob
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Post A word of advice for Cherokee Trails attendees...

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner.
They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray,Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick
your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and
flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend
your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended-with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers
have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your sorry ass.

14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
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Old 03-12-2001, 08:56 PM   #2
PURE EPI
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Post

Jesus Christ, dude!!!! I guess there really is no difference in North and south aggression!!: shot over barbeque? that's as bad as getting a cap popped in the ass for "dis'respectn'" someone.

See you there!!!

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Old 03-12-2001, 09:17 PM   #3
Bonzo
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Post

that was funny. when grilling a steak, only flip once! yall dont have good beer, cheese or brats tho i can relate to the country folk I am from the land of cow **** and beer farts. If you make fun of the Packers your ass will get kicked.(not on the field, unfortunately)
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Old 03-12-2001, 09:32 PM   #4
hacman
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Post

I'll have to agree with #14 there.... there's nothing like a good Barbeque Pork sandwich. Especially from Dad's Barbeque, outside of Anniston Alabama.

And how could you forget the most important rule?

15) We wave. Accept it. Hand on top of the wheel wave, out in the yard wave, on the front porch wave. Just wave back....

hacman "Proud of my southern roots, but still love the ****ty smell of Chicago!"
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Old 03-12-2001, 09:53 PM   #5
grimlock
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Post

I'm gonna have to add one, too.

#16 As you drive to and from the McFarland stage, don't gawk at all the godawful backwoods clapboard houses lining the road. They don't spend their paychecks on fancy vinyl siding, they spend it on their cars and ammunition. And they know the roads much better than you.

Ah, good old Aunt Clovis.
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Old 03-13-2001, 06:55 AM   #6
Jon Bogert
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Talking

Well, here are some practical add-ons from a damn Yankee (although I live only a few miles north of the Mason-Dixon line)

1) The barbeque is amazing.
2) Don't let your co-driver eat too many beans.
3) While some southerners may read Faulkner, the ones you will encounter gave up at Dick & Jane.
4) Chattanooga is a city, the rally is in the country. Country folk are the same everywhere, from rural Pennsylvania to rural TN.
5) Be friendly, talk slow, bite your lip and don't mock the accent.
6) If you don't have a bad attitude, people will amaze you with how polite they are.
7) Cops in the south are like feudal lords. They can (and will) stop anything they don't like the looks of.
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Old 03-13-2001, 04:08 PM   #7
motorob
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Post

Jon -

You're right about that. If someone's being REAL polite (not everyday polite...), you're in big trouble. If a cop if being extra polite, "Y'all inna heapa trouble, boy..."

grim-

Isn't it amazing when you get behind a 60-year-old lady in a K car up there and realize ---------- "Hey, she's not slowing me down any!!!"

See you there - I'm supplying the Rebel Yell bourbon! And the ammunition!
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Old 03-14-2001, 06:24 AM   #8
KITTbri
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Thumbs up

PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE AMMUNITION!!!

God I love the South. Not to mention you can wear shorts in March here and not your parka for another day.

Mad props to Motorob on the “Rules of the Road” there.

No beer and brats??? How about Dixie Beer, Red Brick, Dogwood, Sweetwater 420, Laughing Skull, and who needs beer when you have Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Wild Turkey, George Dickel, Evan Williams, Rebel Yell, Makers Mark, Old Crow, and several other whiskeys and bourbons.

Funny thing, Makers, J.D., and Beam are all distilled in dry counties… only in the South!


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Old 03-14-2001, 08:59 AM   #9
montgog
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Post

You sure said you were going to kiss there ass alot.

Have you ever thought of anger management classes.
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