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Old 01-02-2014, 07:18 PM   #4751
BUstang
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I'm too lazy to scroll up and quote the guy trying to date the lawyer, but let me save you some time - Just stop now. Not only does she work a lot, but she's more than likely extremely self-centered and mildly hostile. Sure you can say I'm stereotyping, but I went to law school and I'm exposed to women in the industry every day. I would never, ever date someone in this field.
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Old 01-02-2014, 07:29 PM   #4752
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I would agree totally with you had both our dates been terrible. She actually is a really awesome girl and we have tons in common and non-stop fluid conversation which is tough to have with most girls. The only bump in the road is trying to get her on another date, she seems interested to go out but schedule wise not so much. Not putting any bets on her but if she wants to hang out I wont be saying no.
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Old 01-02-2014, 07:32 PM   #4753
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Swordfish dude that is a tough situation for you if her bff is a guy. Seems like they have a pretty close relationship.. Sorry i am no help
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Old 01-02-2014, 07:36 PM   #4754
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Originally Posted by bugeye829 View Post
Swordfish dude that is a tough situation for you if her bff is a guy. Seems like they have a pretty close relationship.. Sorry i am no help
That was what she said "If there was anything between me and him 1. Why would I introduce you, and 2. Why would I date you when you are far away and he isn't?"

I keep coming back to her:
1. Knowingly lying to me and telling me he was gay when she had seen pictures of girls he ****ed and knowing girls he has dated
2. Completely disregarding it when I asked her to set boundries

I think you guys are right. I am wasting way too much time on a divorced mother
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Old 01-02-2014, 07:38 PM   #4755
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Ummm she is a divorced mother? Wow pick up and run.
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Old 01-02-2014, 07:40 PM   #4756
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I think you guys are right. I am wasting way too much time on a divorced mother
And still pulling this ****? Cut your losses, waste time on someone more worth wasting time on.
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:28 PM   #4757
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swordfish - dude or chick gay or bi, doesn't matter who she's texting or calling. she's not "present" when she's out with you. she's physically there but mentally and emotionally elsewhere.

I wouldn't put up with that behavior with anyone, be it the wife, a friend, or a coworker.
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Old 01-02-2014, 10:01 PM   #4758
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BUstang View Post
I'm too lazy to scroll up and quote the guy trying to date the lawyer, but let me save you some time - Just stop now. Not only does she work a lot, but she's more than likely extremely self-centered and mildly hostile. Sure you can say I'm stereotyping, but I went to law school and I'm exposed to women in the industry every day. I would never, ever date someone in this field.
One of the nicest girls I know is a lawyer. No idea what she's like in the bedroom courtroom.

Okay it's both.
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Old 01-02-2014, 10:20 PM   #4759
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hilarious wooden dick spoons aside, dump her. Sounds like she desperately wants to bang this guy if she hasn't already.

you will always come second, don't ask me why, you just always will.
Sounds like only one person knows what's going on here, and it's the other dude.

He's friendzoned, and he knows it/doesn't want to get out of the friend zone and has convinced the chick that unacceptable behavior is acceptable. The chick clearly doesn't realize how her actions make other people feel and friendzone guy is just ****ing with Swordfish, and probably any guy that she dates, just for the fun of it.

No need to stay in that situation unless you want to have a come to Jesus talk with her and probably end up dumped for "not understanding her" or some other bull****.
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Old 01-02-2014, 10:22 PM   #4760
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BUstang View Post
I'm too lazy to scroll up and quote the guy trying to date the lawyer, but let me save you some time - Just stop now. Not only does she work a lot, but she's more than likely extremely self-centered and mildly hostile. Sure you can say I'm stereotyping, but I went to law school and I'm exposed to women in the industry every day. I would never, ever date someone in this field.
Never date anyone who doesn't have the necessary free time to date. It can only lead to drama.
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Old 01-02-2014, 10:35 PM   #4761
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Swordfish: drop that ****.


For me it comes down to this. When is the only time I'm frequently texting someone, wanting to hang out with them above everyone else (that isn't family) at the time, will make time for them despite how my schedule looks, and am wondering about them when I'm not in their presence?

Answer: when I'm courting the girl because I'm really interested in her sexually/romantically.

Without blowing up/getting too dramatic about it, I'd tell her that I'm done with her because she keeps talking to this dude constantly. I'd say "It's fine if you want to do that, you can do what you want. But I told you it bothers me, you've continued to do it, and I don't want to deal with that sort of thing. Do what you want but I'm disrespecting myself if I just stick around getting angry while it continues to happen." or something to that effect.
I've learned that with girls, if you make it about them and point fingers and say "you this, you that, you you you" then you're a jealous ******* who is too emotional etc, no matter the circumstances. They go into combative, catty, zero logic or ability to introspect mode. It seems to be how girls typically deflect personal accountability or something like that. By sort of making it about yourself, I think there's a 0.1% increase in probability that they may come to the realization that "wow I was being kind of a cnt" since they're not confronted with the visceral sort of in-your-face allegations that she is a cnt. At least that's what I like to tell myself
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Old 01-02-2014, 10:35 PM   #4762
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Swordfish....wow. I would be annoyed if she was texting other girlfriends all the time like that while we were spending time together. ESPECIALLY if it was a long distance thing. "Seriously, this OUR TIME that we don't get much of and you are too busy worried about X who you see all the time?"

The whole guy more than likely being at least bi is the nail in the coffin. It's about time to move on.

To bugeye... She's never been married and says she never wants to be. Alex, I'll take "yeah I'm not buying it" for $10000 please. If she AT least had been engaged once..maybe...MAYBE I'd give her the benefit of the doubt..but since that isn't the case. Nope.
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Old 01-02-2014, 10:58 PM   #4763
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"So please listen to the message that I say Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend" - Biz Markie
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Old 01-02-2014, 11:18 PM   #4764
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"So please listen to the message that I say Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend" - Biz Markie
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Old 01-03-2014, 04:11 AM   #4765
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http://markmanson.net/****-yes

swear filter
dammit

ok i don't know how to dodge the swear filter. the F word is what you want.
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Old 01-03-2014, 05:52 AM   #4766
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Bingo!

Yes there are probably underlying reasons why he waited so long


The reason to why I had waited so long is because my parents divorced when I was very young. They always fought in front of me and made a huge scene out of everything. It pretty much scarred me for life. I was afraid of getting married because of that exact reason. I let my ex know this, but she grew up very differently and her parents were still happily married. She got that I was afraid, but didn't fully understand.

Yes I have gone to therapy for these issues before, but what I have found out (during this whole ordeal with the ex) is that I should have never stopped therapy 2 years ago when my ex and I first encountered my depression. So yes, this has happened before once before 2 years ago, but never on this level.

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but was there really a proposal coming? was there a ring purchased or picked out? had they looked at rings together?

I have a close friend who's wife of 9 years has left him because he effectively "friend zoned" her about 5 years ago and was treating her as more of a FWB than a wife/partner/lover.

you hear his side of the story and she sounds like a cold hearted bitch who's already moved on. BUT, hearing her side of the story he sounds like a completely insensitive uncaring unloving ass. the truth, I'm sure, is somewhere in between.

neither of them spoke up about their issues when they first cropped up, they bottled them up for the last 5 years or so until things reached a boiling point for her and she pulled the plug. could talking/counseling have fixed this years ago? they'll never know because they never tried.
There was a proposal coming and I had the ring picked out, but not purchased.

You are describing my exact situation in your last two paragraphs. I let my depression get way out of hand but I did not realize it at the time. I tend to block everything out and don't know that I am hurting the ones I love. She hung out with her "guy" friend (the one she is dating now) and that put me past the edge. NO communication to my ex that this was the reason why I was even more upset, no sharing of my feelings or emotions. She repeatedly tried to come to me and figure out what was causing me to be so withdrawn, but always gave her a blank look.

Other than the couple of times she came to me about my depression, there was no warning that she was going to call it quits and leave. She never sat me down and said "what you are doing is really hurting our relationship. You have to get a hold of your depression or I am leaving." That would have been my wake-up call. I really counted on her to do that. I seriously did not know I was hurting her and I would never intentionally do such a thing.

Her reasoning is that I made her depressed by being depressed myself. I teased her about her weight issues and made little smart ass comments here and there, but she always took them seriously. I always apologized to her, but she really took those comments to heart. I also didn't want to talk about marriage or children like she wanted to and changed the subject. She bottled everything up, could not handle it anymore, and had enough. My depression started at the end of November so we had been dealing with this for some time before it ended on xmas.

The day after this had happened I got an appointment with my therapist immediately and asked her to go with me. She said it was too late for me to fix things and to go by myself because I was the one with the problems

The thing that bothers me the most is that she always said she would stay with me no matter what (yes I am that naive... or too trusting). She was by my side when my mother passed, so she had been with me to Hell and back. I gave her a promise ring 2 years into the relationship. She knew I was afraid of marriage, but I wanted to get her something to let her know that I was committed to her, no matter what (as silly and contradicting as that sounds). She wore it every day since I got it, but in the end it didn't mean a goddamn thing to her

Quote:
Originally Posted by bugeye829 View Post
I got this far and had to comment. I completely disagree with you about this. Getting married has nothing to do with it. Just because he avoided the marriage discussion does not mean he friend zoned her. If 2 people love eachother, then why does it matter at all if they get married or not? Just because 2 people are married, it does not mean they love eachother, in fact i will argue that a couple has a better chance of having a happier relationship if they avoid marriage altogether.
I figured if we can last [insert years here] we would have a much better relationship and overcome anything that crossed our path. Make marriage that much better, right? Hell, our 5 years as a couple is longer than most marriages last for people in their 20's. The good times more than outweighed the bad for us.

Good or bad, 99% of the time we were there for each other. Its that damn 1% that was the problem, and this WAS that 1%.

If you guys want, I could copy & paste a letter I wrote to someone that describes everything that had happened in all its raw detail. It was written with serious emotion (yes I probably sound like a little bitch in it), but everyone would get a better idea on what is going on.

I do appreciate everyone's input on my situation. This has been the lowest part of my life in the past 4 years (and that's saying a lot), its nice that complete strangers are willing to help.

I just want to say, thank you.
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Old 01-03-2014, 02:50 PM   #4767
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Guilty, it's crazy how close your situation is to what happened to me, I know exactly what you're going through and it does get better and better. I was 25 dating the same girl for five years and planned on proposing to her. She was by my side the whole time when my mom was passing away. Then one day got the call, that she found someone else and broke it off. Destroyed me for a while as well, despression and all the good stuff.

Almost three years later I'm dating an awesome girl, living together, talking about a future together and overall I am much happier. Took me a long time to move on, I talked to my ex for a while but eventually decided it did nothing but hurt me to talk to her and cut her off from everything. I know it's hard to hear but it does get better and I'm happier than I ever was with my current girl then the last one.
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Old 01-03-2014, 03:55 PM   #4768
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Originally Posted by guilty_619 View Post
[/left]

The reason to why I had waited so long is because my parents divorced when I was very young. They always fought in front of me and made a huge scene out of everything. It pretty much scarred me for life. I was afraid of getting married because of that exact reason. I let my ex know this, but she grew up very differently and her parents were still happily married. She got that I was afraid, but didn't fully understand.

Yes I have gone to therapy for these issues before, but what I have found out (during this whole ordeal with the ex) is that I should have never stopped therapy 2 years ago when my ex and I first encountered my depression. So yes, this has happened before once before 2 years ago, but never on this level.



There was a proposal coming and I had the ring picked out, but not purchased.

You are describing my exact situation in your last two paragraphs. I let my depression get way out of hand but I did not realize it at the time. I tend to block everything out and don't know that I am hurting the ones I love. She hung out with her "guy" friend (the one she is dating now) and that put me past the edge. NO communication to my ex that this was the reason why I was even more upset, no sharing of my feelings or emotions. She repeatedly tried to come to me and figure out what was causing me to be so withdrawn, but always gave her a blank look.

Other than the couple of times she came to me about my depression, there was no warning that she was going to call it quits and leave. She never sat me down and said "what you are doing is really hurting our relationship. You have to get a hold of your depression or I am leaving." That would have been my wake-up call. I really counted on her to do that. I seriously did not know I was hurting her and I would never intentionally do such a thing.

Her reasoning is that I made her depressed by being depressed myself. I teased her about her weight issues and made little smart ass comments here and there, but she always took them seriously. I always apologized to her, but she really took those comments to heart. I also didn't want to talk about marriage or children like she wanted to and changed the subject. She bottled everything up, could not handle it anymore, and had enough. My depression started at the end of November so we had been dealing with this for some time before it ended on xmas.

The day after this had happened I got an appointment with my therapist immediately and asked her to go with me. She said it was too late for me to fix things and to go by myself because I was the one with the problems

The thing that bothers me the most is that she always said she would stay with me no matter what (yes I am that naive... or too trusting). She was by my side when my mother passed, so she had been with me to Hell and back. I gave her a promise ring 2 years into the relationship. She knew I was afraid of marriage, but I wanted to get her something to let her know that I was committed to her, no matter what (as silly and contradicting as that sounds). She wore it every day since I got it, but in the end it didn't mean a goddamn thing to her



I figured if we can last [insert years here] we would have a much better relationship and overcome anything that crossed our path. Make marriage that much better, right? Hell, our 5 years as a couple is longer than most marriages last for people in their 20's. The good times more than outweighed the bad for us.

Good or bad, 99% of the time we were there for each other. Its that damn 1% that was the problem, and this WAS that 1%.

If you guys want, I could copy & paste a letter I wrote to someone that describes everything that had happened in all its raw detail. It was written with serious emotion (yes I probably sound like a little bitch in it), but everyone would get a better idea on what is going on.

I do appreciate everyone's input on my situation. This has been the lowest part of my life in the past 4 years (and that's saying a lot), its nice that complete strangers are willing to help.

I just want to say, thank you.
I know it seems impossible now but it will get easier.

I've been through it all... including a messy divorce with cheating and drug problems (all her) that I thought would scar me for life. I was pretty bitter for a while and jaded towards women but sure enough someone else eventually came along and I'm now happily married again to someone that's a much better fit. I promise this will happen to you too, but how soon that happens is up to you... its not going to be easy but try and distract yourself for the time being. Hang out with your buddies, hit the gym, try to find some new hobbies, do anything but sit and dwell on it and it will get easier.

It's ok to hurt for a little while but you're going to need to pick yourself up eventually and move on. Try to use this as a learning experience for how you can reinvent yourself and be a better person because of it. I know most of this has been said already but its my take on it. Good luck
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Old 01-03-2014, 04:15 PM   #4769
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Guilty, are you diagnosed with clinical depression/mood disorder of some kind, on meds for it?

Has the ex ever gone to one of your therapy sessions? I was in a similar situation recently, but on the other end, and after attending some joint therapy sessions, and reading up on mental disorders, I learned that my wife just couldn't function the way I figured she could. We both had to change the way we communicated.

I'm asking because you were together for a long time, and when I learned about my wife's condition and how it affected her personality, without her being able to control it, my anger/frustration/disappointment/insert bad emotions here was significantly mitigated because I understood what was happening.

Keep it in mind if you want to try and work it out with her. Also, for your benefit, there's never just one person with problems in a relationship, so it's not JUST you.
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Old 01-04-2014, 01:28 PM   #4770
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Possible TMI below:

Goddam it. I think my ex broke me, and I cockblocked myself last night.

Let a sure thing slip by and the only reason that I can come up with is that with the ex's gyno issues and how sporadic our sex life was because of that I've either forgotten how to initiate sex or have gotten so used to being rejected when I do that I froze the hell up.


Chick is hot, DTF, and not interested in strings, so would have been perfect to keep me from going all oneitis, and I've probably lost that opportunity.
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Old 01-04-2014, 01:33 PM   #4771
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What the hell are you talking about?
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Old 01-04-2014, 01:36 PM   #4772
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What the hell are you talking about?
I was with my ex for almost twenty five years, and she would bleed frequently during or after sex, and was really hung up and self conscious about it. As a result our, my, sex life was really effed up for long stretches at a time, and it appears that it's become habit.

Last edited by VpointVick; 01-04-2014 at 02:39 PM.
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Old 01-04-2014, 02:22 PM   #4773
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I teased her about her weight issues and made little smart ass comments here and there.
why would you even do that?

your reasons / issues aside, you still seem to have treated her poorly. you shut her out, avoided things that were important to her, and teased her. you made your issues become her issues.
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Old 01-04-2014, 02:36 PM   #4774
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I was with my ex for almost twenty five years, and she would bleed frequently during or before sex, and was really hung up and self conscious about it. As a result our, my, sex life was really effed up for long stretches at a time, and it appears that it's become habit.
eww bro, just eww.
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Old 01-04-2014, 02:40 PM   #4775
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eww bro, just eww.
I meant to say "after" of course, not before, but yeah, it was a PITA.
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