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Old 12-26-2002, 12:15 PM   #1
ColinL
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Default what does it mean when an Ex contacts you over the holidays?

this topic is free form... talk about your experiences or you can reply specifically to mine... doesn't matter.

anyhoo, an ex-girlfriend wrote me an email on monday. I'd already left for the day so I didn't see it until this morning. she basically just said, hi, merry christmas, here's a little about what i've been up to, happy new year's. pretty short and to the point, but the interesting thing (to me) was the last sentence-- "If I don't talk to you have a great New Year's also."

could this be an invitation to call?

background: she's had a tough life, but I did fall in love with her. she broke things off with me on the day I was baptized, which is an odd thing for a devout Christian to do to a converting atheist. there was no rational reason-- just irrational fear I think. fear of intimacy, fear of what had been done to her before.

anyway we didn't talk for two weeks after that and then talked a little for a week or two, strictly friendly, and then she stopped returning phone calls at the end of October. no contact since.

I'm nobody's fool and I respect myself but I still have feelings for her. I cannot fix this girl and often advise others here in this forum not to try to fix the troubled women in their lives... But if she's trying to help herself I don't want to slam the door.

what should I do? I'm thinking a polite, brief and similarly harmless email back to her and see what happens after the New Year. if nothing, and she was just feeling like this was a good thing to do for the holidays, fine.

what has happened to you with exes during the holidays?
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:20 PM   #2
Fish
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I'll let you know as soon as she tells me.

mine contacted me on the 24th, wanting to see me.
She states she has money for me that she owes me.
I'm fairly certian this is not the case.
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:24 PM   #3
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she just wants to let you know how well she is doing and rub it in your face, you loser
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:26 PM   #4
Fish
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I'm not sure about Colin.. but I know that's the polar opposite in my case.
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:36 PM   #5
Dick Fitzwell
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Default

a think a simple email back would be pretty much harmless right?

here is a sample of the email i got from my ex a couple of weeks ago. she claims i owe her money for a school loan she used to pay off one of HER credit cards. she ran the debt up on that cc when we were still together so she thinks that makes me responsible seeing as how i was paying ALL the bills at that time. we haven't spoke in almost a year (middle of next month) and she is asking me for money by the end of the year , whatever, even if i did have it....still no!
Quote:
I am just trying to tie up some loose ends. I just wanted to make sure that you were in no way going to
try to help me pay for the school loan I used to pay off our credit card? I
have to pay it by the end of this year
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:38 PM   #6
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You should take it one of two ways IMHO
1 she has no one right now, so its easy to find a holiday companion in an EX, Be kinda insulted that she only calls you for this reason, then HIT IT ANYWAY
2 Who cares, HIT IT AGAIN!!!
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:39 PM   #7
AC Lerok
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meh, i lay low in these situations. i might write back, but it's terse and to the point. she wants to stir the pot, any attention is better than no attention.
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:43 PM   #8
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Maybe they are just depressed and lonely.

Its that time of the year you know.
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:44 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dick Fitzwell
and she is asking me for money by the end of the year , whatever, even if i did have it....still no!


Damn thats too funny...proof once again that all females are crazy.
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:45 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by mordy_2v
Maybe they are just depressed and lonely.

Its that time of the year you know.
True.

Wait till June or July and see if she calls to see how you're doing.
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:49 PM   #11
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I just think it's the time of year where people reflect about others who meant something to them.

My ex's have done it, I've done it...
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:52 PM   #12
Dick Fitzwell
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Default

Quote:
Originally posted by SoLo OnE




Damn thats too funny...proof once again that all females are crazy.
proof to stay away from physc's!

and i will leave it at that
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Old 12-26-2002, 12:55 PM   #13
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mine did too, and i wasn't sure how to feel about it...but then i remembered she had approximately 8 billion chances over the course of 2 years to get her act together, and one more since i broke up with her. now all of a sudden, it's like nothing happened...

it's a shame too...there aren't very many hot indie rawk chicks out there that want to and have the skills to help you with an EJ20 swap.

oh well, like i said...i tried. a lot.

-adam-
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Old 12-26-2002, 01:57 PM   #14
ColinL
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Default

Quote:
Originally posted by Davenow
You should take it one of two ways IMHO
1 she has no one right now, so its easy to find a holiday companion in an EX, Be kinda insulted that she only calls you for this reason, then HIT IT ANYWAY
2 Who cares, HIT IT AGAIN!!!
this option definitely is not in the cards. the biggest mistake I made with this girl was getting too physical, so I'm not going to repeat the stupidity of my past.

was it enjoyable? no doubt, we both had fun. her guilt afterwards was hard to bear though.

i'm going to emotionally isolate myself and just operate on the idea that she was just lonely, or feeling a little bad for punting me or whatever and that this was just a holiday thing. if she proves otherwise i'll worry about it then.

fishy-- this girl didn't cause trouble for me like yours did. even still i'm very wary about giving her another chance. i don't like to set myself up to fail, and i don't know that there's a way to win at the game she's playing.
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Old 12-26-2002, 02:13 PM   #15
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Maybe she's been thinking about it for a while and all of a sudden decided to see what you were up to. Girls do that a lot .... you hear nothing from us and then we decide to write or call on a whim (it confuses the heck outta ya apparently). And esp. around this time of year... maybe she just missed you and couldn't let go and wanted to see if there was another chance for the two of you to get back together? The New Year is coming up, it's time to start new beginnings but maybe she wants what she had and let go?

Good luck!
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Old 12-26-2002, 02:19 PM   #16
Fish
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yeah, I'm pretty sure not many caused crap like mine did.
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Old 12-26-2002, 02:29 PM   #17
ColinL
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Default

Quote:
Originally posted by scoobie98owner83
Maybe she's been thinking about it for a while and all of a sudden decided to see what you were up to. ... The New Year is coming up, it's time to start new beginnings but maybe she wants what she had and let go?
dammit girl, there's a voice in my head that's been saying the same things. I thought about sending her a christmas card, but never once considered writing an email or calling.

I didn't want to get my hopes up though, so I'd been trying to keep lofty thoughts like that to a minimum.

thanks for the feedback though. if you turn out to be right, I'll heap praise upon you.
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Old 12-26-2002, 02:38 PM   #18
peepshow
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Colin, stay away. You don't need this type of drama in your life, do you? It sounds like this girl does. Leave it alone. If she's serious, she will contact you again.

- Trent
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Old 12-26-2002, 03:06 PM   #19
ColinL
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trent... that is the easy way, and maybe the smart way too.

but part of the reason why I'd like another shot at this girl is because there was no concrete reason for it to end. other than her being afraid, there's no closure. the only closure I could get would be to find someone else to love or be sure that this wasn't ever going to work. I've been dating but haven't found anyone interesting yet.

the other thing I have is that I know she could never hurt me like loosing my wife hurt me. I've lived through far worse, so I see minimal risk in letting her back into my life. plus as I just said, I'm already thinking about her. worst case, if it gets ugly I've got plenty of closure.
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Old 12-26-2002, 10:34 PM   #20
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she wants you to give her the lumber.

jiffy
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Old 12-27-2002, 02:26 PM   #21
lucien2
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Quote:
Originally posted by ColinL
worst case, if it gets ugly I've got plenty of closure.


well that's true, eh? I think that what was said about the spirit of New Year's and the desire for new beginnings rings true. A quick email response to show that you are willing to restart a dialogue is the best path.
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Old 12-27-2002, 02:36 PM   #22
peepshow
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Hmmm, valid points, Colin.

OK, on this rare occasion, I will change my opinion. Contact her, but make it casual and relaxed. She if she initiates any sort of meeting/date/etc.

She got scared the first time? Of what? Sounds like you had already been "intimate", so what gives?

I don't think I'll ever understand women. Oh, well, tonight is another opportunity to try!

- Trent
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Old 12-27-2002, 02:37 PM   #23
Subi Chicky
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It means she's a typical crackwhore who can't walk away from the past and just deal.
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Old 12-27-2002, 03:12 PM   #24
ColinL
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meggan...

but seriously, a beautiful girl like her doesn't get to be 30 and unmarried (no kids, either) without reason. ...I believe the reason is that she is freaked out by intimacy and the possibility of being close to someone because of things that happened in the past. I said more about it in my two posts here:
http://forums.nasioc.com/forums/show...hreadid=283516

I'm not going to comment about what those things were, but just let me say that it would be no surprise that someone would still carry wounds from them 8-10 years later.

anyway, no email back from her yet but I believe she took these past two days as vacation. I'm just going to go back to church and if I see her there let whatever happens happen. It's a huge church but I know where she tends to sit. I've been wanting to go back there for my own reasons--the right reasons to go to church-- but haven't because I didn't think I could handle seeing her.

even if she is interested in me again then we'll have to have a talk. in addition to everything else, I've got to make sure I'm doing this for the right reasons. she is the most attractive woman I've been involved with and I think most of you know how that can affect rational thought.
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Old 12-27-2002, 03:17 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally posted by ColinL
but seriously, a beautiful girl like her doesn't get to be 30 and unmarried (no kids, either) without reason.
I think this is a great point that touches on your grasp of the situation. I haven't had a chance to read the thread you quoted yet, but here are my thoughts.

A beautiful woman in her early 30s who is unmarried and childless doesn't get to be that way for one of two reasons . . . one is issues and the other is choice. She has either chosen to devote herself to career or some other purpose, or never found the "right one"; or, she has some serious psychological problems, or perhaps just regular every day baggage.

Then, the question you need to answer for yourself, is, which is the reason? If the reason is the baggage or mental problems, consider twice whether your self-love is strong enough to see you through any type of emotional invovlement with this woman, regardless of how small.

You owe it to yourself to surround yourself with people who can overcome life's obstacles and inspire you to do the same in your own life. You don't want to become her "shoulder to cry on" or her "protector" because those things are going to deplete your precious energy in creating your own world.
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