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Old 09-28-2000, 08:15 AM   #1
SilverSuby
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Post OT: Darwin Awards

For those of you who haven't seen them yet:

They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!

CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flack vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr. , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, DE, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8. Taos, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control ******l inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

9. La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there."

10. Bremererton, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked. Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a Styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se, is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of that limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

AND THE WINNER: Paderborn, Germany - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him.

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Old 09-28-2000, 08:21 AM   #2
Sean
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Cool

Some of these are real...some are urban legends. See http://darwinawards.com/ for the official ones that have been cleaned up (marked as real or legend). This must have been an email forward, because some of the last ones, although funny, aren't Darwin Awards...you must die to be candidate.

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Old 09-28-2000, 09:34 AM   #3
wastgate
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I would think that not being rendered sterile would count toward the darwin awards.
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Old 09-28-2000, 01:54 PM   #4
N/A
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Hey I sent them the info about the US Army dude who was wanted for robbery in the US. He caught a military flght to Japan on forged paperwork and thought he could just blend in with the Japanese and live the rest of his life. The problem was he was over 6ft, white and had blonde hair. So he gave up got drunk and came up with a plan to kill himself. He got really drunk, stripped off all his clothes and decided to go onto the runway of a airport and let a plane hit and kill him. Well the guy also wasn't aware that in Japan the airports shut down after 10 or 11PM and there would be no flights until about 7AM. He was only 5hrs early. So the cops came and arrested him and he told his little story. He doesn't count as a Darwin but he's still pretty stupid.
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Old 09-28-2000, 02:59 PM   #5
Faraz
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Do they speak English in What?

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that $hit is SOOO funny
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Old 09-28-2000, 03:04 PM   #6
gs9k
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since this is OT... 'dieing' is a word i believe. means to stamp with a die cast, as in metal working. hehe, but we got your point. =] i think u meant 'dying'. -g
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Old 09-29-2000, 12:24 AM   #7
SilverSuby
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I thought death was a requirement for it, but wasn't there one guy a few years ago that won it without dieing? Is dieing a word?

I am thinking about the guy that tied balloons to a chair and drifted through a no fly zone...do you remember that one?
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Old 09-29-2000, 12:27 AM   #8
Sean
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Talking

Yeah, rendering oneself sterile counts. And the nofly zone one was an honerable mention, I believe. The only reason it made it to the Darwins is because it was confirmed true.

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