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Old 11-04-2003, 04:03 PM   #1
chrisdeaner
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Unhappy Need help on what to tell my friend... (long/serious)

Ok, one of my really good friends goes to UC Santa Cruz. I've known her since 7th grade, and we are really close. There is very little she doesn't know about me and vice versa. She has a history of dating really weird guys. She is a really really nice girl. Very attractive and smart, but she just ends up with these guys. She just seems to attract them. Back in highschool she went out with this crazy guy for like 6-8 months or something like that. This kid was nuts, he was always getting mad at stuff (not her) and would freak out and do stupid isht and she would get mad. I know she was trying to change him, but to no avail cause the kid is still nuts. Well, she still talks to him almost everyday because he has this new gf who is crazier than him. The kid has soo many problems, and this girl just makes them worse. My friend calls to basically make sure he's made it through another day.

Well, I was out on a date last night, and couldn't pick up my phone when she called, and around 1 when I got her message I could tell she was upset, but she said don't worry if I didn't get it till later (she knew I was going to be out) and she would call me in the morning (today). Around 11 today I get a call from her and told her about the date blah blah. Well, she said last night she called the guy and he said he was going to Starbuck's with his cousin and he would call her when he got back in like an hour. She got some stuff done, and it was like 1.5-2 hours later and she hadn't heard from him and she was getting tired. She decided at the last minute to call to tell him not to call her later, since she was going to bed. Well, he picks up the phone and tells her he's at home. She asks why he didn't call her back and he said he was too tired. More chatter and she got it out of him that he had lied and had taken 12 sleeping pills about an hour before she called him back. She realized that he wa trying to kill himself and told him he needed to get to a hospital. He said he was too tired and didn't want to and after a bit, basically hung up on her. She called his house and his cousin answered and she gave him the run down and he took him to the ER. She called him back later and he said if she hadn't had called him (ie: if he hadn't been taken to the ER), he would've been dead for sure. She called the poison control and they confirmed this.

The guy is now in psychiatric care (something I know he has needed for a long time now) and she is freaking out since she doesn't know what to do. I told her she did everything she could, and she should just be glad she at least saved his life. But, she can get very emotional from time to time (she was robbed at gun point at work about 2 weeks before we left for school and couldn't even go outside for like 5 days after) and I'm afraid she is going to let worrying about this guy interfere with her daily routine. I was at a loss as to what I should tell her since there really isn't anything she can do in her position. However, I know she needs to be comforted. Any ideas on what I can tell her?
Thanks for anyone who actually read the whole thing...
-Chris
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Old 11-04-2003, 04:08 PM   #2
peepshow
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#92 FZippy

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I read the whole thing.

The sad fact is there isn't much you can do for her. Just be there to support/listen to her. I'm not sure why she feels such a sense of responsibility for this guy, but that's neither here nor there.

She'll work her way through it. Just be there for her.

- Trent
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Old 11-04-2003, 04:10 PM   #3
bruticus
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Say what again!!

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Wow. Cruel as it sounds, things might be better if the guy had snuffed it.

Nothing you can say to her, dude. She obviously still has an attachment to him or deep emotions about him, probably due to the energy she put into trying to change him, and her feeling that, because she wasn't able to "fix" him, she's responsible for this (ie. "if only I'd been able to make him happy this wouldn't be happening right now")

Nothing you can say to her will make those change. It's virtually impossible to deal logically with somebody else's emotions.

DjB
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Old 11-04-2003, 04:10 PM   #4
Charlie
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If you have a chick friend since high school that you stay in touch with regularly even though she is at a college which is a good 250 miles away... well... I would have to guess that there's something there. If so, tell her and you will then have done all you can do to improve her life immensely. She may very well be waiting for you to make your move.

OTOH, if she's truly into going to go out with nutty people, well... then 2 things are true:

1. there is nothing you can do and the futility will eventually cause you to break off the friendship

2. she certainly picked the right school, anyway...


I am very serious about this. Good luck.

Charlie
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Old 11-04-2003, 04:16 PM   #5
bruticus
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Quote:
Originally posted by Charlie
If you have a chick friend since high school that you stay in touch with regularly even though she is at a college which is a good 250 miles away... well... I would have to guess that there's something there. If so, tell her and you will then have done all you can do to improve her life immensely. She may very well be waiting for you to make your move.
Uh, no. Right now the last thing this girl needs is another man expressing feelings for her. It seems that she never got rid of those feelings for crazy guy, and she's linking "her feelings for a man" with "failure to help him." If you tell her you have feelings for her, especially ones that have lain dormant all this time, she may well start blaming herself for not seeing those feelings.

She needs a friend who will neither judge, nor attempt to "close the distance." Let her tell you whatever she has to tell you, let her call you whenever she needs to, and always tell her that this is not her fault. But do not try to get close to her right now.

DjB
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Old 11-04-2003, 04:40 PM   #6
Charlie
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Quote:
Originally posted by bruticus
Uh, no. Right now the last thing this girl needs is another man expressing feelings for her. It seems that she never got rid of those feelings for crazy guy, and she's linking "her feelings for a man" with "failure to help him." If you tell her you have feelings for her, especially ones that have lain dormant all this time, she may well start blaming herself for not seeing those feelings.

Chrissakes man I didn't say do it right this second...
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Old 11-04-2003, 04:45 PM   #7
DISCOPOPE
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take her roller skating.
have fun.
get her to forget about **** for a while...
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Old 11-04-2003, 04:54 PM   #8
Habu
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Oh and btw...she's never going to eff you.

GF!
Skippy
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Old 11-04-2003, 05:52 PM   #9
chrisdeaner
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Thanks for all the posts. She and I have no romantic potential as far as I can see. And, she is just too short for me But, she is a close friend and thus I am concerned. As far as her feeling responsibile for him, that's exactly the problem. She would stop calling him in a second if she knew he was going to be ok without her help. She really doesn't need the extra stress he provides, but she can't help but feel like she needs to check up on him, since no one else seems to. I have no intentions of telling her that I have feelings for her or anything like that because frankly, I don't want to date her. Then again, I wouldn't pass up a "drunken fun night" But that's a whole nother post. I've been telling her it's not her fault and that his choices are independant of her actions, and I think that's been helping. She already knows she can call me anytime (hence the 1AM and 9AM phone calls I got), and I won't be upset (unless it wasn't about something like this!). So that's all taken care of. Habu, you don't even know...I may not ever "date" her, but that doesn't mean I won't ever hit that isht
-Chris
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Old 11-04-2003, 06:51 PM   #10
Jessie James
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In a situation like this the best you can hope for is that he will have an extended stay at a psychiatric hospital and get the help he needs. Chances are he need some medical attention.

What SHE should do is to assist him in getting the psychiatric or psychological help he needs. Convince him that the hospital is the right thing for him. Convince him that she is there for him, and is a good friend, and cares for him.

And VISIT HIM dammit! At least 1-2 times a week, even if for just 15 minutes.

When I tried to kill myself (what 20 years ago?) I was just lonely, dumb, young, and depressed. After being locked in a psychiatric hospital with the REAL CRAZY people I realized I was normal, just depressed. I got out after a few months and never looked back.

And, for what it is worth, the ONE LINE that made me decide to live was:

If you kill yourself now, think about how many women you will never get a chance to sleep with.

Go figure, worked for me, might work for someone else, but no guarantees.

In reality, I am extrmely glad my attempt failed. As I have grown older I realized that part of my pain was not because I was inferior to other people, but more along the lines of different in a non-social way. Just because I could not get along with people did not mean I was a bad person, it's just that other people did not understand me. Consider getting him some books to address any weaknesses he may perceive to have. For me, it was being social, meeting people, having self confidence. I read a lot of books and learned how to relate to normal human beings.

Besides, as I have gotten older I cannot describe to you how amazing my life has become. All of my dreams have literally come true and now I don't know what to shoot for next!

Help your friend help her friend and she'll value your friendship even more. Heck, you may as well get in there and meet the guy and see if you can be a friend, offer some advice, etc. What's it going to hurt?
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Old 11-04-2003, 07:30 PM   #11
jtdbsr
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Quote:
Originally posted by RS25.com

Besides, as I have gotten older I cannot describe to you how amazing my life has become. All of my dreams have literally come true and now I don't know what to shoot for next!

wow....I was/am in a very similar situation. Except, that I had that feeling BEFORE I tried to OD on pills. In early 2001 my life took a turn for the best. Everything I ever dreamed of(work, family, finances) came true. It felt like, I guess when you win on the lottery. Down to the smallest details, my life was like I always wanted it to...until late 02, when the bubble bursted. About 8 months later I took a lot of sleeping pills 2x, a few weeks apart, but no "luck". As of know, even taking anti-depressants, the only difference is that I don't feel anything, I'm just numb. My emotions have dissappeared. I don't feel joy nor sadness...just running on auto pilot, if you will. If you don't mind me asking, how old were you when that happened?
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Old 11-04-2003, 08:18 PM   #12
Jessie James
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I was around 17 or 18, pretty young.

You have to remember that for the most part we are still growing until we are about 25. So, IMO, during that age you are going to feel all messed up because of the changes your body is going through.

All you really have to do is get off drugs, eat right, get a little exercise every once in a while, and go out and meet people and be social! Sooner or later you'll meet a few friends and the rest is history.
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