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Old 09-29-2000, 06:54 AM   #1
T-WRX
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Talking OT: Friday Humor

17 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by DAVE BARRY

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

17. Your friends love you, anyway.
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Old 09-29-2000, 07:34 AM   #2
JGard
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Post

all so damn true!!
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Old 09-29-2000, 07:35 AM   #3
RidinLow
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Thumbs up

Funny, yet completely true.
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Old 09-29-2000, 08:25 AM   #4
m750
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Post

more words of wisdom? (ok, maybe)

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities with out your help.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

10. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

11. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

12. Never mess up a good apology with an excuse.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

14. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

15. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

23. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

24. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

25. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted!

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Old 09-29-2000, 08:34 AM   #5
Fido
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Post

Real words of wisdom:

Nothing is usually a good thing to do and always a good thing to say.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
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Old 09-29-2000, 09:47 AM   #6
8Complex

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Post

Man I wish there was a spot I could print out that Dave Barry stuff and post it at work. Great great stuff!
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Old 09-29-2000, 09:52 AM   #7
Subie Gal
GC84Ever
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Post

for those of you who are reaaaaaaaaally bored... and wanna laugh... a bit...
http://rinkworks.com/dialect/dialectp.cgi?dialect=moron&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.imprez a-rs.com



[This message has been edited by Subie Gal (edited September 29, 2000).]
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Old 09-29-2000, 10:04 AM   #8
garapats99
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Location: Linden, NJ USA
Talking

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. **** those
rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a ****ing grenade in my mouth, pull the ****ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my ****ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. **** it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the ****ing 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[This message has been edited by garapats99 (edited September 29, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by garapats99 (edited September 29, 2000).]
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Old 09-29-2000, 10:39 AM   #9
Templar
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Post

The first post was good. The post about the chili contest was so damn funny that I am crying from laughing so hard. Oh my god that was hilarious.
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Old 09-29-2000, 10:49 AM   #10
JGard
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Post

i like the chili tihngy!
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Old 09-29-2000, 02:49 PM   #11
NonProfitProphet
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Location: orlando, fl
Post

> > REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS:
> >
> > 1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
> > 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
> > 3. Fox In Detox
> > 4. Who Shat in the Hat?
> > 5. Horton Hires a Ho
> > 6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
> > 7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
> > 8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
> > 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
> > 10. The Cat in the Blender
> > 11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the **** Out!
> > 12. Are You My Proctologist?
> > 13. Yentl the Lentil
> > 14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
> > 15. Aunts in My Pants
> >
> > "Little Golden Books That Never Made It"
> >
> > 1. You Are Different and That's Bad
> > 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
> > 3. Dad's New Wife Robert
> > 4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
> > 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It
> > Book
> > 6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
> > 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
> > 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
> > 9. All Cats Go to Hell
> > 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
> > 11. Some Kittens Can Fly
> > 12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
> > 13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
> > 14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
> > 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
> > 16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
> > 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
> > 18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
> > 19. You Were an Accident
> > 20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
> > 21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave
> > Games
> > 22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
> > 23. Your Nightmares Are Real
> > 24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
> > 25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
> > 26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be
> > Friends?
> > 27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
> > 28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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Old 09-29-2000, 02:51 PM   #12
JGard
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Post

good one prophit, i'm dying here!!
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Old 09-29-2000, 03:34 PM   #13
NonProfitProphet
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Location: orlando, fl
Post

i get a lot of my stuff from junk email...
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Old 09-30-2000, 01:00 AM   #14
Doug
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Location: Sacramento, CA, USA
Talking

Oh boy, the chili! Laughing so hard I was crying. Now people are looking at me funny at work.
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