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Old 04-22-2004, 07:30 PM   #1
Matt K
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Default let's hear your best pun...

well, I searched, and I don't think it's been done before. So if you bastards want to WTLW me, go right ahead...

Anyway, let's hear it, and it better be funnier than THIS little gem right here:

There's a scientist named Mel. Mel lives in the small island kingdom of Leos, with his laboratory down by the beach. The king of the island and his pet lions live in the middle of the island, and the far end is high cliffs where sea birds nest. Mel has been trying to invent a fountain of youth, but it's not going too well. After scaring off the last of his willing human participants, he turns to dolphins, since there are plenty of them around the island. He's got a pretty good plan, but he needs the eggs of a sea bird to make the last ingredient he needs. unfortunately, today is the day all the sea bird eggs hatch. Mel hops in his truck and races up the steep mountain, past the king's palace, and up to the cliffs. He piles the back of the truck with unhatched eggs and heads back to the workshop. The eggs in the truck are all hatching, and baby birds keep flying away, so mell really puts the pedal down. Unfortunately, as he rounds the last corve, he sees the king's pet lion standing in the middle of the road. He slams on the brakes, but it's too late, and he nails the lion head on. Hoping no one will notice, mell hurries back to his lab. A few minutes later, the cops burst through the door.

And the crime Mel is arrested for?



















The illegal transportation of young gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.
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Old 04-22-2004, 07:43 PM   #2
MattDell
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Puns involve more wit than I have.




-Matt
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Old 04-22-2004, 07:54 PM   #3
Handsdown
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Old 04-22-2004, 08:03 PM   #4
Brad Pittiful
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This ain't no picnic!

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no pun intended
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Old 04-22-2004, 08:06 PM   #5
Kaiser
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Peter: Ok, here's another riddle: a woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?

Brian: That's...that's not a riddle. That's just terrible.

Peter: Wrong! The ugly one!
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Old 04-22-2004, 08:27 PM   #6
Sauceboy01
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Old 04-22-2004, 09:29 PM   #7
salem
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very punny
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Old 04-22-2004, 10:21 PM   #8
bruticus
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look like a bitch?
Say what again!!

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NOTLOB

DjB
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Old 04-23-2004, 12:18 AM   #9
Matt K
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man, OT is letting me down today I figured a group of wackos know for adept control of teh funnay would have at least SOMETHING amusing to say...
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Old 04-23-2004, 12:24 AM   #10
FlaaB
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Dude, my name is Matt K.
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Old 04-23-2004, 12:26 AM   #11
Matt K
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that's a crappy pun, my name's Matt K too (surprise surprise).
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Old 04-23-2004, 12:28 AM   #12
FlaaB
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Quote:
Originally posted by Matt K
that's a crappy pun, my name's Matt K too (surprise surprise).
Oh, is this thread about puns? I was serious. That's my name.
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Old 04-23-2004, 12:30 AM   #13
Hondaslayer
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Smack!

I'm Rick James, BITCH!



2 Guru "You Suck" pts, for the orginator of this thread.
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Old 04-23-2004, 12:35 AM   #14
Matt K
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What did the 5 fingers say to the face? how 'bout "Leave my goddamned pun thread alone you alarmingly low-member-numbered asshat!"

well, perhaps they're talking fingers. With attitude!
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Old 04-23-2004, 12:42 AM   #15
Hondaslayer
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Wanna double those points??
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Old 04-23-2004, 12:43 AM   #16
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So, this king of a South Pacific island had an interesting tradition. Every year, his subjects would carve a new throne for him. This worked out well for him, since he never had to worry about getting splinters from a worn-out throne, but he had to come up with a solution to the accumulation of the partially-used thrones. He couldn't bring himself to throw them away, so he decided to keep them in his attic.

This went on for a few more years, and the arangement worked out swell, except that the grass hut that the attic was a part of couldn't support any more weight. As luck would have it, while the king was bringing his last throne to the attic, the house collapsed, crushing the king beneath the combined weight of his house and thrones.

The moral of the story.....













Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
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Old 04-23-2004, 12:43 AM   #17
Matt K
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are these "points" like skeeball tickets? Can I redeem them for cheap and useless prizes?
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Old 04-23-2004, 01:49 AM   #18
DrBiggly
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Quote:
Originally posted by hypernoodle
Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
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Old 04-23-2004, 08:24 AM   #19
speelnik
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On a farm a chicken and a horse were the best of freinds. One day playing in a field, the horse fell into quicksand. Fearing for his freind's life, the chicken hotwired the farmers BMW, drove it over to the horse so that it could be pulled out of the quicksand. The horse was ever grateful.

On another day the two freinds were playing in the field again, but this time the chicken fell into the quicksand. Unlike the very tall horse, the chicken was going down fast. Too fast for the horse to get the BMW. Thinking on his toes, the horse straddled the pit and let the chicken grab onto it's member and pulled it to safety.

Moral of the story...





















When you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
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Old 04-23-2004, 08:46 AM   #20
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Old 04-23-2004, 09:41 AM   #21
Matt K
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awesome.
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Old 04-23-2004, 09:48 AM   #22
Hypernoodle
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Default

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why ?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I just can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Old 04-23-2004, 09:53 AM   #23
Hypernoodle
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son
is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the
boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant
"Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores
the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a
truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he
was still a head."
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Old 04-23-2004, 10:26 AM   #24
speelnik
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You need to tell this one like you heard it on the news...

"Did you hear about the boy born without eyelids on the news the other day. No? Very sad story. A boy was reportedly born without eyelids. Yeah. I feel really bad for the boy, could you imagine what that must be like? Anyway, the reporter said that the doctors decided to do an emergency sugery to fix the problem. They had to perform a circumcision because it is the only skin flexible enough to be used as eyelids.

Amazingly the doctors said the surgery was a success. The eyelids are completely functional.

The only problem they say is that he will grow up to be a little c0ck-eyed."
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Old 04-23-2004, 10:32 AM   #25
Kaiser
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Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?
____________________________________

They asked why I was moving to France, so I told them I had nothing Toulouse.
____________________________________

If you trade in stolen gate-posts, does that make you a fence?
____________________________________

You can always tell your doctor's a quack when you see his a large bill.
____________________________________

The company nurse told me I was too heavy, so I applied for thick leave.
____________________________________

The politician had to slash the budget, so he held a fund razor.
____________________________________

And finally...

Two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street. They were arch enemies.
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