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Old 02-05-2005, 03:11 AM   #1
roffle
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Default Young kids dealing with death

Brother: 10 Years Old. Ridiculously close to his mother and grandmother.
His Grandmother (not mine, half brother): Croaked tonight.
Funeral: Sunday

My stepmom (his mom) is going to be a fountain of tears at the funeral, and with him being so young, I don't know how he is going to react to:
a) Seeing his primary care figure break down in emotion
b) Having his grandmother who he'd see weekly or more, not there anymore.

We've known of her cancer for a long time, but we only told my brother a few weeks ago, as we figured there was no sense making him overly aware of reality until it was imminent. He got nervous when he heard about it (shaky hands), but held himself together and changed the topic, and has done the same every time it came up.

I'm probably going to haul my ass home to be there for my stepmom and brother at the funeral, and I'm wondering if any otters have had experiences with similar situations, as I want to know if there's anything I can do to help my brother understand what's going on and such; how to console him.

Anything?
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Old 02-05-2005, 03:14 AM   #2
TurismoLou
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Old 02-05-2005, 03:19 AM   #3
roffle
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Good read on some understanding, thanks.
Additionally, is there anything I can say to him to help him feel better about the whole situation?
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Old 02-05-2005, 03:24 AM   #4
Handsdown
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if i were you i would just tell him you're there for him if he needs to talk about anything, and you're sorry/condolences and then just play it by ear.

people deal with loss differently, give him time to grieve but make sure it doesn't scar him and he isn't still glum months after this passes
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Old 02-05-2005, 03:26 AM   #5
roffle
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He's a real... for lack of better words... wuss, so I can see him being very edgy for atleast a month or two. Poor kid.
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Old 02-05-2005, 03:28 AM   #6
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The most important thing you can do for the kid is very simple:

Be there and hang out with him. Its actually not the time to really worry about saying anything. If he wants to talk or ask questions, let that guide any conversations....you dont need to try and cover everything or anything.

For a kid that young I recomend once your back at the home/or a recpetion etc.. make it your personal duty to hangout with the child AWAY from the mom being consoled by others visiting etc...etc.. Whether its outside throwing a baseball/football if he wants or be it games/sports/tv/sitting by a lake/movie etc..etc..I think thats the best advice I can give from my observations over the years at far to many funerals.

Last edited by WRSport; 02-05-2005 at 03:37 AM.
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Old 02-05-2005, 03:42 AM   #7
roffle
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I never really see the kid as I live 90km (60 miles) away, and our age gap means we don't interact well. And I hate to seem selfish, but I can't afford to take time off school to give him attention and such.

I don't want to try to cover anything or lie about anything by any means, I'm just looking for some line, even a cheesy cliche one - he's still years away from developing a bull**** sensor - that will make him feel better. If not in the long run, atleast for the moment, or vice versa.

I'll try to truthfully answer any questions he has, hopefully he's open enough that I don't have to initiate any conversations he might not want to have.

Thanks for the advice.
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Old 02-05-2005, 03:51 AM   #8
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He'll be OK.

My maternal Grandmother, Grandfather and Aunt pretty much raised me while my mom was out partying.

Pappaw died when I was 8 from Ocupational Pneumoconiosis, after about 2 years of sickness. Aunt Jenny died suddenly on the first day of school for teachers (at my elementary school from a burst embolism in her brain) when I was 9. that left me with my maternal grandmother (Mammaw/Nina, she is full blooded Italian), and my mother who beat severly me on regular basis.

I have met my father one time in person that I can remember, although he did start calling me about a year and a half ago.

Apparently I turned out fine.

I was a big time drug dealer and severe cocaine addict before I even turned 18. I dropped from 310 Lbs. to 172 Lbs. in one year, and made over $300k in undeclared cash, which was all subsequently squandered.

Six years later, everyone says I'm the talk of the famlily. Two children, a boy, 6 (my stepson), and a girl 6 months. We both hold a steady good paying job and do well for ourselves and are about to buy our first home. We both drive nice cars and have less than $10k debt.

That's not to say that there won't be problems.
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Old 02-05-2005, 03:53 AM   #9
roffle
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thunder Lungs
He'll be OK.

My maternal Grandmother, Grandfather and Aunt pretty much raised me while my mom was out partying.

Pappaw died when I was 8 from Ocupational Pneumoconiosis, after about 2 years of sickness. Aunt Jenny died suddenly on the first day of school for teachers (at my elementary school from a burst embolism in her brain) when I was 9. that left me with my maternal grandmother (Mammaw/Nina, she is full blooded Italian), and my mother who beat severly me on regular basis.

I have met my father one time in person that I can remember, although he did start calling me about a year and a half ago.

Apparently I turned out fine.

I was a big time drug dealer and severe cocaine addict before I even turned 18. I dropped from 310 Lbs. to 172 Lbs. in one year, and made over $300k in undeclared cash, which was all subsequently squandered.

Six years later, everyone says I'm the talk of the famlily. Two children, a boy, 6 (my stepson), and a girl 6 months. We both hold a steady good paying job and do well for ourselves and are about to buy our first home. We both drive nice cars and have less than $10k debt.

That's not to say that there won't be problems.



Wow. Sorry to hear all that, very impressed that you've pulled though.
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Old 02-05-2005, 03:53 AM   #10
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When my grandpa died it didn't really hit me until a few days later when I went to my grandparents house and saw his favorite chair empty. That did me in for a few weeks and I was pretty much dead to the world. Still to this day (4 years later) it doesn't seem real. I always think he is going to come back from one of his medical meetings and be with the family for dinner.
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Old 02-05-2005, 03:55 AM   #11
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having cancer is the best way to lose someone IMO. Ive lsot both my grandma and aunt that way and its so much easier, its an expected loss and you can have your final goodbyes (well not for my aunt ) but yeah, hopefully he will be as fien with it as I was when my grandma died and it just felt like we didnt visit her anymore. doesnt feel like shes gone, jsut havent seen her in a while
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Old 02-05-2005, 04:05 AM   #12
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Old 02-05-2005, 06:36 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Protege Menace
having cancer is the best way to lose someone IMO.

Yeah.. all that pain and radiation therapy and chemo is great for the family

<---Used to hate when I got called in to work in the oncology department.. blech
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